2012 for Dummies: An Apocalypse Can’t Stop the Music

If you’ve been living in an abandoned silo-bunker for the past year, preparing for the apocalypse, here’s what you should know:

Well, nothing happened on 12.12.12, except for a volley disappointed Grumpy-Cat memes and massive hangovers the next morning.  Of course, its a bummer for the southern folks who’ve bought out all the crossbows & assault weapons, but sorry folks, the zombies won’t be coming out to play anytime soon.

(It’s safe to resurface now, but don’t contact your real estate agent just yet. Those underground bomb-shelters are going for a steep price on the 2013 market, as the fiscal cliff loomingly approaches. Remember, my Alabama Slammer friends, those unused stockpiles of liquor and ammunition may come in handy if the apocalypse was just a military code-word for Operation Shit-Storm: world “peace” 2013.)

The Skinny on What You Missed

Nicky Minaj got weirder. And worse at singing. While gaining popularity. Yes, apparently that’s possible. Hail to the chief of ‘Merican reasoning.

And if that wasn’t proof enough Americans don’t listen to the lyrics, we made Psy’s “Gangam Style” the most watched video. ever. [Really? — ever?]

Skrillex is still pumping out beats only white kids can dance to. (hey, ya gotta give ’em somethin)

Carly Rae Jepson is still waiting for him to call her. Maybe. We’ve heard rumors, but we’re not sure.

Mumford & Sons made banjos the coolest instrument to learn. But no matter how hard you try, you will never be THAT cool.

Pitbull‘s still rapping about stuff…..which nobody can quite make out, except, MR. WORLDWIDE!, but everyone loves it.

People are still unsure of how to pronounce Gotye.

LMFAO is still being party-rocked to at numerous lame high-school parties around the world.

Nobody has yet to hear any other song by Foster The People, except “Pumped Up Kicks.” Kids, if you read this 20 years later, please don’t over-think it. They probably conspired with M.I.A. & their song “Paper Planes” to have a hipster duel. They take it to the streets to shoot it out.  In West Side Story fashion, that is.

Wiz Khalifa stopped making music altogether, focusing all his energy on smoking copious amounts of cannabis, pondering whether to grow out some dreads in unique Marley-esque fashion, and writing super-obscure, tween-loveable tweets.

Not to worry though; some things never change. Jason Aldean, Eric Church, Kenny Chesney, Blake Shelton, and Luke Bryan  are all still taking Chevys down dirt roads to the square dance, chuggin beer, balin’ hay, hittin’ on pretty lil’ thangs, watchin corn grow into whiskey, often at the same time……while gaining southern listeners. Need I further explain?

This previously mentioned cowboy hat-toting, country-rock blend excludes one melody of ingredients. This exception is the 30-some instrument-playing Hunter Hayes [Storm Warning]. At 21, playing more instruments than he is old, he’s not your average “country legend.”  In late 2011, while working at a country music station, I predicted him to be the rising star of 2012. He was not even on the Billboard map then, but I liked to play this game with my co-workers, “Who to watch for.” I told my boss he  had talent; he would get big someday and we should interview him. My boss laughed at me, as if I knew more than him. Well, his song “Wanted” was chosen as the #5 best country song by Billboard and had three Grammy nominations, winning “Best New Artist.” I only have one thing to say: Who’s the boss now?!!

You can still blow someone’s mind by telling them Lady Antebellum or The Band Perry isn’t a girl band.

The first boy band since Justin Timerberlake‘s acne days has surfaced atop the musical waters, from nowhere, with a brooding, pop-bromance vengeance: One Direction. Rumors are they spent billions of dollars producing their high-quality music video for the song “What Makes You Beautiful,” which somehow got voted “Most Share-worthy Video?? [I’m sorry. Forgot to say, “Insert sarcasm here] It’s truly the end of times people.

 Demi Lovato, looking all grown up now, has put her Barney days ( starring as Angela) behind her. But she hasn’t forgotten her upbringing altogether. When she’s not off starting a new philanthropic movement for kids, writing, or singing, or acting, {or being a semi-professional race-car driver/amateur tattoo artist?} she found time to accept her VMA award. That award was for her platinum single “Skyscraper”, the “Best Video with a Message” I guess old habits die hard. She was supposed to release the 1st single for her 2013 album in December, but she never did. So keep your eyes peeled….errrr ears tuned.

Taylor Swift cycled through another 3 or 4 boyfriends. Of course, that’s not really news to you. But we got the chart-grossing album “Red” out of it, which is impossible to even summarize. So I won’t. Enough has been said already. I think, after the majority of the songs in your album hit the Billboard Top 10, they should have to make a whole new award-category for you.

The woman-empowering, modern day powderpuff girl is the most likely, but least capable candidate to rule America one day.  And as long as Taylor Swift hasn’t gone through menopause, we’ll still have hope and love (albeit pessimistic)  in our life, for years to comeMere days after finishing her “Red” album, a barista mixed up her drink order. In other unrelated news, she’s writing a new song about coffee-shop romance gone bad. Expect an album in 2013.

Lady Gaga showed up to the VMA’s this time as her male alter ego – Jo Calderone. Seriously. Since last year’s “f*****g meat-dress” was too tame a wardrobe choice. Ah yes, teaching boys and girls around the world to “be themselves.” And by be yourself, she means “be anything but you.”  Now, I’m no psychiatrist, but I think this is less of “Jo” coming out, and more of “Gaga’s”  high school insecurities, from which she apparently never graduated.

Lady-gaga-jo-calderone-08062011-02_large

When she’s not getting kicked out of Gaga-indifferent countries along her “Born This Way” world- tour & working on her new 2013 album “ARTPOP,” she’s been working on a collaborative album with the classy and reserved Tony Bennett. Well if that’s not split-personality for you, I don’t know what its. She’s also acting in some upcoming movies and starring in Terry Richardson’s documentary about her life. No doubt, 2012 is the calm before the storm, as this woman prepares to take over pop-culture with the odd-ocalypse.

Adele’s still singing whiny songs to the tune of her 49 cat-producers at home, while finding time to lose the very weight she claims she didn’t need to earlier this year.  The nose-job was because she had a deviated septum, not because she wanted another shade of white; God knows the camera couldn’t handle that glare anyway.  Oh, and something about her being the 1st to have an album going 8 times platinum. Nonetheless, I’m pretty sure something must be in the water. Mostly because she’s setting fire to it, somehow, and we’re all still drinking it up like rats in a beer pong maze.

In other news, I’m pretty sure Kanye still thinks he’s Jesus (throwing middle fingers to the world instead of forgiveness), although he didn’t turn over any tables at this year’s VMA awards. So Taylor Swift got to breathe a sigh of melo-dramatic relief. In fact he pulled out, altogether, from September’s show. I can’t say the same respect was extended to Kim Kardashian, who was the reason for this move. They sat on the sidelines this year, instead announcing to everyone the pregnancy of the dreaded beast, born too little too late for the apocalypse takeover: a Love Lockdown baby. Congrats Kanye, now you’re locked into writing Usher-esque, baby-daddy lyrics for the rest of your career.

    Our girl “Katy Perry”, the gospel artist formerly known as Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, has too many awards to even read off. Most impressive though, is her ability to stay high on the charts, year round, even without an album out. Between her numerous hits from the same album [Teenage Dream, Last Friday Night, California Gurls, Firework, Peacock,The One That Got Away,  E.T.] her career isn’t in jeopardy, despite the fact that it will have been 3 years between albums. Her new one is rumored for summer ’13.

And although KP hasn’t put out a new album since “Teenage Dream,” she was somehow still nominated for “Video of the Year,” [2012] with her surprise summer single “Wide Awake.” And although she fell short of that winning that big title this year at the VMA’s, she scored the “Best Art Direction” trophy. No surprise there. She’s been an innovative, creative-junkie since the time of her Pentacostal days, secretly dancing and directing music videos in her bedroom. In fact, she co-released her own bio/concert-documentary movie in July, “Part of Me,” which was, surprisingly, one of the successful documentaries of all time.

I think we are all a bit intrigued by KP’s “born again” reference in “Wide Awake”. What to expect from the new album? Truly nobody knows. I think she’s trying to compete with Lady Gaga on the in-your-face lyrics and the weirdness/ fashionable scale.  Either way, for some odd reason I always want to go watch “The New Girl” every-time I look at her.

  

   It was a wild up & down ride for Rihanna this year, making history with her award-winning video “We Found Love,” a bold statement about closing the chapter on relationships gone wrong.  Then she got all sentimental and took a trip down memory lane, shacking back up with wife-beater-wearing Chris Brown. But hey, “Do as I say, not as I do,” right?” Her new album, ironically named “Unapologetic,”  debuted in November with the song “Diamonds,”  perhaps hinting at ‘ol Chris Beaty to make it up to her with some bling. I guess some people are just beyond help. Listen, I know the new album cover bares all of Rihanna’s vulnerabilities (aka body), proving the bruises are gone, but was this taken before or after the Brown re-bound? At any rate, you made Rihanna the most digitally downloaded artist, just in the U.S. alone.

While on the topic of hip-hop and new haircuts, I’ve decided to place “the Biebs” in this category. It’s not like America knows the difference anymore. It’s all pop-club-rap-rock anyways now.

    Like the kids on Boy Meets World (soon to become Girl Meets World in 2013), the whole world has watched him grow up. One CNN article put it best: “As a star birthed by YouTube and raised by Twitter, Justin Bieber has never had the luxury of growing up outside the public eye. In the two years between his breakout 2010 LP, “My World 2.0,” and “Believe,” his second proper full-length, Bieber has had to go through cultural puberty and actual puberty…”

This year, testosterone hit more than just Rihanna. Posting pictures of his abs and fresh tats, the Biebs has really proven himself to an aging tween audience, who is now growing into their large, adolescent ears. He has embraced the haircut and the voice change with a positive outlook, taking the opportunity to completely reinvent his sound and style.

And as much as I can’ wait for the CIA to roll out their best snipers and eliminate the threat to our hypnotized, mush-for-brains society, I have to hand it to him — it’s clear he’s worked hard to become the AMA Artist of the Year. America agrees, boosting numerous singles to the charts, such as:

Boyfriend, As Long As You Love Me, All Around the World, Thought of You

Usher, his mentor, who apparently has nowhere else to go with his career, has been introducing him to artists like Drake & Nicky Minaj. I think we all know how this story ends up. They made a movie about it in 2003 with Jamie Kennedy, called “Malibu’s Most Wanted. It’s about the white boy who….

Well, maybe it’s better if you just watch the trailer.

 

 

 

On that more humorous note ladies & gentlemen,

I wish you a Happy New Year.

-D.R.-

[Keep the change ya filthy animal]

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Categories: Life Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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5 thoughts on “2012 for Dummies: An Apocalypse Can’t Stop the Music

  1. dmclain

    jump! Jump! JUMP!!!

  2. Pingback: Most Underrated Artists of 2012 «

  3. Reblogged this on azizachom.

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